I don't even know what this film is about. Seriously. I've seen it, I've digested it, I've talked to my friends about it and I am still unclear on the plot of this film. We follow the story of Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson). She's a college student, but more importantly to the 'plot,' she's a virgin, because for some reason that adds a bit of tension? I'm not sure. But one day she meets billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). The two don't really speak eye to eye. It's just a whole lot of awkward small talk. Yet for some reason, the writers thought it would be a good idea to put them together in a sexual relationship. Oh, but just you wait. It turns out Mr. Grey here isn't one for relationships. No, no, no. His tastes are more, as the movie puts it, 'singular.' Singular meaning he likes to tie people up, whip them and then sexually abuse them, claiming that it's pleasurable for the both of them when everybody in the audience knows it's most certainly not. And that's just the first thirty minutes.
The writing here is just so painful that it becomes pleasurable. It's almost as if the pain becomes so great that eventually my body became used to it, began to soak it in and I benefited from it. Actually, I don't want to say benefited. Benefited implies that I got something out of this movie when all I really got was a good laugh or two, some boredom and zero erections, but more on that last one later. I didn't go into this film to hate it, believe it or not. I didn't go in to say that it was the worst movie ever. I knew I probably would feel that way, but I wanted to like it, for some strange reason. I just wanted to get that off my chest as it obviously did not occur.
Nobody working on this film ever appears to be pleased with what they've made, and they shouldn't be. I've seen interviews with both the cast and crew and none of them seem to be happy or proud of what they made here. None of them appear to be getting along, none of them have any chemistry and none of them appear happy, and this all shows in the film. The cast are wooden sticks on poles, walking around and moving their mouths (and genitals) up and down. It's embarrassing, not only for their careers, but for humanity.
It's not even as though it has a decent ending, either. Fifty Shades of Grey is a two hour long first act of a movie that goes nowhere and ends nowhere. I'm convinced that the writers had a page limit when writing this script and when the limit was reached they just had to end it there, no matter how far through the story they'd gotten. The Lord of the Rings and other films like that work as a trilogy because of the massive story they're trying to tell. Fifty Shades of Grey has no story it's telling and therefore shouldn't be a trilogy. It shouldn't even be one movie. Why does this even exist?
What I find so strange about this review is that I've hardly touched on the sex scenes, so let's change that. The sex scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey are un-erotic, dull, drably, lacking nudity and not at all what the book was trying to do. The books are erotic novels. I've never read them, but please take notice of the fact that I just said erotic. EROTIC! The film adaptation is tame, slow and more about preparing for sex than it is about sex. Director Sam Taylor-Johnson has said that she tried to make each sex scene have its own rhythm and I'm fine with that. It didn't work, but she tried, and that's more than anyone else involved with this movie did, except maybe Dakota Johnson, but even she's not that amazing.
To sum up, if you've ever heard of Fifty Shades of Grey (and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say we all have?) then you're probably already aware of just how terrible it truly is. So here, have my review, laugh a little and then burn this film to the ground.