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Many horror movies have come and gone over the years, some leaving their mark on the genre, others disappearing off the face of the Earth. Many go down as classics, most of which are still scary today. Others have dated poorly, but their filmmaking skills still hold up and they're easy to appreciate. Then there's the Star Wars Holiday Special, and while the film technically isn't a horror movie, it certainly belongs there. This could quite possibly be the worst film I have ever seen, and I had to watch today's new Force Awakens trailer a few more times to remind myself that this is a good franchise. This film gave me doubts.
The Star Wars Holiday Special was released in 1978, one year after the release of the original film. It's a made for TV Christmas special that follows the story of Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) and Han Solo (Harrison Ford) as they're on their way to Chewbacca's family to celebrate "life day," whatever the fuck that is. But as they're going there, the Millennium Falcon is tailed by the Empire, and then a whole bunch of irrelevant scenarios take place in a poor excuse for a movie. There's no real plot to be found, half of the movie revolving around Chewie's family, and they're quite possibly more annoying than Jar Jar Binks was in Phantom Menace. In fact, after watching the Holiday Special, I'm starting to think the prequels aren't all that bad.
I honest to god don't even know what this movie is, but what I do know is that it's one of the scariest movies I have seen in my life. Star Wars is obviously a very beloved franchise, and all 3 films from the original trilogy have made their way into my top 25 of all time, so to see a film as atrocious as this one, it really makes me mad. Except the thing about this film is that it's not a Star Wars movie. It really isn't. It's got characters from Star Wars, yes, but it's not Star Wars. Nothing in this movie screams Star Wars. It's the equivalent to a kid putting a sheet over his head and claiming he's an actual ghost. He's not a ghost. This isn't Star Wars.
There is literally no plot to be found with this film. I mean, there technically is, but it lasts a solid five minutes, two and a half being at the start and two and a half at the end. The rest of the film doesn't even involve Chewbacca or Han Solo in the slightest. There's so many random, unnecessary moments that just don't make sense. I kid you not, there are about three or four musical sequences in this movie and not one of them is needed. One takes place in a fantasy while a wookie masterbates and the one takes place at a bar. You'd be surprised which one is weirder.
As the film goes on, it just gradually gets weirder... and weirder.... and weirder.... and there comes a point where there's only so much weird I could handle. I had to pause this movie multiple times to take a deep breath, calm myself down, restrain myself from punching a hole through my computer and then I watched the final Force Awakens trailer. It worked every time. This film was infuriating to watch, every sequence stranger than the last. There's even a weird animated sequence involving what appeared to be dinosaurs that clearly wasn't written as an animation, but because of a restricted budget it ended up being so. This film is just so fucking awful. It's ridiculous.
I don't know how or why all the actors in this film agreed to do it, but they're all here, and none of them look like they could be any more uninterested in what's going on. From Harrison Ford to Carrie Fisher to Mark Hamill to Darth Vader himself, James Earl Jones, most of the film's original cast are back and for who knows what reason. They're all here for what is essentially a cameo and none of them seemed to care. Ford rattled off lines without any expression and you know what? I don't blame him. I really don't want to hold this film against him, or really anyone who worked on this film. It's awful, yes, but it's best we put it behind us. This is not a film you want to see. Ever. At all. If you ever see it playing, run. Run as fast as you can and don't look back.
To sum up, The Star Wars Holiday Special is honest to god the worst movie I have seen in my entire life, and it's technically a Star Wars movie so that's saying something. It's random, ridiculous, effortless and boring. Thought the prequels were bad? You ain't seen nothing yet.
0 1/2 Stars