By Chris Campo
You know what's beautiful? Just how close we are to the release of the first proper Alien film in 20 years, Alien: Covenant (Jack's review up next week). The last proper Alien film was, unfortunately, Alien: Resurrection. If I am being completely honest with you, I don't remember ever finishing this film beginning to end before watching it for this review. I definitely have tried, but I guess I was too weirded out by it to ever make it to the end, and that's exactly what Alien: Resurrection is in one word. Weird. I'm absolutely dumbfounded, not that the movie was made, but that it was made like this.
Alien: Resurrection begins 200 years after Ellen Ripley's (Sigourney Weaver) death in Alien 3. Judging from the title you may be able to guess that someway and somehow, Ripley is resurrected. Except she's not... she's cloned? Who even cares. The reason Ripley is back is because a few shady scientists want the Alien Queen that was inside of her when she died to breed an army of Xenomorphs. But because they're Xenomorphs, they escape their captivity and run amok the spaceship. It's now up to Ripley and a new small crew, with the likes of Ron Pearlman and Winona Ryder, to outsmart and destroy the aliens before the ship reaches Earth.
Whoa! This movie is dumb. It's so dumb and weird that it's hard to believe it was green lit to be made and released. Sure, Alien 3 was bad, but at least it felt like it was in the same universe. This movie feels like some random sci-fi script found lying around that the studio decided to make as a straight to blu-ray release, but no, this is canon in the Alien Saga! Even more crazy is that this film is written by Joss Whedon, the man known best for writing and directing the first two Avengers movies. Even the director, Jean-Pierre Jeunet, went on to direct the five-time Oscar nominated film, Amelie, just five years later!
This movie is so bad. I hate it. Sure, it has Xenomorphs, which is never a bad thing, but they're so dumb in this movie. Well, not they're dumb, I guess they're quite smart in context of the story, but the way in which they're used is dumb. First off, the idea of breeding them for a weapon is cliche and predictable, especially after they break out of containment, only to never be shown working as a team or anything, so really, what was the point. They also swim in this movie, which was very weird to see. Somehow, this film managed to turned one of the most frightening creatures ever put to film into a laughing stock.
There are plenty of laughs to be had during this film, because nearly every single scene has some over the top or ridiculously cheesy line or moment. I'm not kidding. There is not one legitimately cool idea in this entire film, outside of a single shot where we see a line of bodies used as hosts for the Xenomorphs. That's literally it. The film so goofy at times it feels like intentional self-parody. Just for example, there's a scene where an alien uses it's second mouth to press a button, and I laughed hysterically. But it's not self-parody, because the tone is so serious and the actors seem to be trying, even though every performance, including Weaver's Ripley, is awful.
The last 10 minutes of this movie is pure lunacy. There's a scene where someone who has an alien inside of him suddenly becomes invincible, surviving dozens of gunshots and grabbing someone's head, putting it to his chest and letting the alien burst through not only his chest, but the other person's head. It's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen in a movie, and it's not even the most ridiculous thing in the finale of this film. It's here where we are introduced to a new type of alien called the Newborn, and it is the most ugly and ridiculous thing I have ever witnessed. I can't believe this is what they landed on for it's design. It looks like a scrotum covered in chewed gum! It's hideous! It's supposed to be scary, but you're too busy laughing at it to pay attention to the film.
Alien Resurrection feels as if a child watched Alien one day and decided to write his own version of the film in magic marker. It is, quite literally, one of the most baffling films I have ever seen. If I can say one thing about it, it's that I was never not entertained, mostly because I couldn't stop laughing. How this film received a better reception than Alien 3, I'll never understand. It has got to be one of the worst big budgeted films I have seen in my entire life.
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