Please be advised that this review contains frequent strong language.
Superhero movies are arguably the biggest genre of filmmaking at the moment. They're coming at us left, right and centre, two currently playing in cinemas and one about to arrive on DVD and Blu-Ray. They're everywhere, with plenty more coming over the next few years. They're making profits and they're pleasing fans, much like myself. I love them. Honestly, I can't get enough of them, especially since they're all at the quality of which they are. Superhero teams appear to be the biggest profit maker, films such as X-Men, The Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy not only receiving a large box office profit, but also gaining positive critical responses. Then there's this piece of shit.
Fantastic Four is about as generic as superhero movies come in terms of plot. Reed Richards (Miles Teller) is a high school genius who appears to have cracked inter dimensional travel in his shed, along with the help of his best friend Ben Grimm (Jamie Bell). They're approached by Doctor Storm (Reg R. Cathey), a scientist who offers Reed a chance to help out with the production of a machine that will allow them to travel to an alternate dimension. Reed accepts, patterning up with Doctor Storm's two children, Sue (Kate Mara) and Johnny (Michael B. Jordon), as well as an unpredictable scientist named Victor Von Doom (Toby Kebbell). They travel to this alternate dimension and things go awry, giving each of them superhuman abilities.
I'm not going to lie, until recently, I was looking forward to this movie. After the first trailer came out, I was actually quite impressed. It appeared to hold back a lot of footage, something most superhero movies are incapable of doing, but at the same time it gave off a promising vibe. Then the second trailer came out and I was absolutely sold. It looked brilliant. I was going to use the word fantastic there, but realised what the title of this movie is and I really don't want to be that guy. But anyway, I was keen, not wanting to see any more footage until I saw the final film. Evidently, it's actually pretty easy to make a great trailer out of a truly horrendous movie.
The film opens with an obligatory childhood sequence. While the sequence isn't necessarily awful, I was quite relieved when it was over. We soon catch up with Reed and Ben seven years later, and while you would think that this is the starting point of our story, it's really not. The film doesn't actually begin as poorly as you would expect. It's not great, but it's bearable. Then this opening sequence continues to go on... and on.... and on...... and on........ and on........ and it doesn't stop. I checked my watch one hour into this 100 minute movie and the Fantastic Four didn't even have their powers yet. ONE FUCKING HOUR INTO THE MOVIE!
After an hour of exposition and "your mum" jokes comes to an end (there's actually a "your mum" joke in this movie and it's the most out of character line I've heard in a long time), our heroes finally get ready to suit up and.... visit the other dimension. Do you know what the worst part of the other dimension sequence is? It's not that the CGI is god-awful, although it definitely is and not just in this sequence, and it's not that it's a fucking hour into the movie. It's the fact that Sue Storm doesn't even go with them on the expedition. She never steps one foot on the other planet. It's Reed, Ben, Victor and Johnny that go, and this pisses me off immensely, not just as a comic book fanboy either.
Sue is given absolutely nothing to do in this movie, not even in the film's only fight scene, which I will get to eventually. She's there to stand around, look pretty, be the source of a bit of (failed) tension between Reed and Victor and then become a member of the Fantastic Four. She's the least developed character in the film, and that's a difficult title to hold as I don't think a single character in this movie receives any sort of development during its minuscule runtime. The only character that does develop is Doom, and his development is so sudden that I couldn't even give two shits about what was going on.
Since we're on the topic of Doom, let's discus him, shall we? He looks fucking hilarious. The moment I saw his "evil looking" suit, I burst into laughter. Doctor Doom is a character so badass that it's actually difficult for him to be ruined when put on screen, yet somehow they still managed to completely fuck him up. Even the 2005 Fantastic Four movie did a better job at portraying his character. He's meant to be this big, sinister bad-guy that's capable of taking down the Avengers and what did we get? A wimpy ass computer nerd who for some unexplained reason hates the world and wants to see it all come crumbling down.
Because of how long the introduction to this movie takes, we only actually get to see Victor become Doctor Doom for a mere five to ten minutes, half of which involves him walking down a hallway randomly killing staff. There's literally one moment of action in this movie and it's the final fight, and the fight feels very rushed. The screenplay for this film still feels as if it's a first draft. The screenwriters were trying to get down all of their ideas and they started out promising, but soon realised they were running out of time and just scribbled down everything they wanted to do as fast as they could do it. It results in a short, underwhelming and completely rushed finale and doesn't even feel like a finale, yet is treated like one. When the film came to an end, the only words I managed to get out of my mouth was "that's it?" I stand by those words.
On top of that, because of how poorly written Doom is, the final battle contains absolutely no tension whatsoever. I couldn't give a shit about what was happening because we were only introduced to the "main villain" just moments ago. He arrives, he makes some comments about how he must leave the planet, goes back to the other dimension and then for some reason deems it a worthy idea to destroy Earth. Why? Who fucking knows and who fucking gives a shit! It's a pointless scenario without any motive and the result is completely underwhelming.
Once the so-called battle comes to an end, the film wraps things up really quickly. The final thirty minutes move so fast that it's almost a blur. It's the complete opposite to the first, slow burning and excruciatingly awful hour. And real quick, what's the deal with cutting sentences or triumphant actions off at the end of movies now? We got cut off from a Godzilla roar at the end of Godzilla, a T-Rex roar at the end of Jurassic World, a badass sentence at the end of Avengers: Age of Ultron, an initiation ceremony at the end of Pitch Perfect 2 and now something else I won't spoil at the end of Fantastic Four. It seems to be becoming a trend in big, blockbuster movies (plus Pitch Perfect 2) and I honestly have no idea why. It worked well for three of those and it worked painfully for two of them. You do the math. Or don't. I'll just tell you. It didn't work well for this and Pitch Perfect. There you go. You're welcome.
I'm honestly not sure who's to blame for this complete turd of a movie, but whoever it is better stay far, far away from these characters. I know it's not the actors faults, that's for sure. They haven't even seen the final movie yet. They merely did what they had to do to get a pay cheque and I'm hoping that it was a damn good pay cheque because a film as bad as this one is not something you want with your name (or face) on it. Miles Teller recently came out to say that the film won't be critically well received, but he hopes we can enjoy it for what it is. That's complete horse shit and we all know it. This film sucks. End of story. Now, can the rights to these characters (and more so their villains) please go back to Marvel? Thanks. And fuck you.
To sum up, the new Fantastic Four reboot delivers exactly what the super crappy older films did.... except this time around it's much, much worse. It's slow, painful and goes nowhere, leading up to an underwhelming finale with a poor excuse of a villain. I hate this movie so very much.