I made a very deliberate choice to not see this movie in theatres. I just didn't want to sit through this film with any other living soul. I could've seen it for free, but I chose not to. I didn't want to. I refused to physically get up out of bed, walk to my local theatre and actually watch this film. Instead, I waited it out. I waited for it to come to video on demand, choosing to pay an extra $5 to save myself from watching this in public. I was able to sit down with my lunch, hit play and watch it. And what a waste of $5 it was. Do you know how many other things I could've bought for $5? I could've purchased a pack and a half of MnM's. I could've purchased a very cheap, very old DVD from Big W. I could've given it to a charity. I could've flushed it down the toilet. I could've purchased some scissors so I could come home and chop up everything I own. All of these sound like better options than what I spent it on.
I don't even know what this film is about. Seriously. I've seen it, I've digested it, I've talked to my friends about it and I am still unclear on the plot of this film. We follow the story of Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson). She's a college student, but more importantly to the 'plot,' she's a virgin, because for some reason that adds a bit of tension? I'm not sure. But one day she meets billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). The two don't really speak eye to eye. It's just a whole lot of awkward small talk. Yet for some reason, the writers thought it would be a good idea to put them together in a sexual relationship. Oh, but just you wait. It turns out Mr. Grey here isn't one for relationships. No, no, no. His tastes are more, as the movie puts it, 'singular.' Singular meaning he likes to tie people up, whip them and then sexually abuse them, claiming that it's pleasurable for the both of them when everybody in the audience knows it's most certainly not. And that's just the first thirty minutes.
The first thirty minutes, in my opinion, aren't all that terrible. Well, let me rephrase that. The first thirty minutes is complete horse shit, but it's so horse shitty that it's hilarious. Think The Room, but with more BDSM and more effort. And no, I don't actually know what BDSM stands for, but I'm going to presume the B stands for Bondage and the S stands for Sex? Am I close? No? Yeah? Cool. Thanks.
The writing here is just so painful that it becomes pleasurable. It's almost as if the pain becomes so great that eventually my body became used to it, began to soak it in and I benefited from it. Actually, I don't want to say benefited. Benefited implies that I got something out of this movie when all I really got was a good laugh or two, some boredom and zero erections, but more on that last one later. I didn't go into this film to hate it, believe it or not. I didn't go in to say that it was the worst movie ever. I knew I probably would feel that way, but I wanted to like it, for some strange reason. I just wanted to get that off my chest as it obviously did not occur.
I kid you not, there is a scene in this movie where Anastasia wakes up in Christian's hotel room. She's hungover and can't remember what happened the previous night. He enters the room, explains everything and gives her some food to eat. She starts eating her toast and bestow and behold, Christian suddenly takes off his shirt for no reason at all. He then crawls over to her, takes a bite of her toast and crawls away. It's the funniest, most uncomfortable thing I have seen in a long, long time.
Nobody working on this film ever appears to be pleased with what they've made, and they shouldn't be. I've seen interviews with both the cast and crew and none of them seem to be happy or proud of what they made here. None of them appear to be getting along, none of them have any chemistry and none of them appear happy, and this all shows in the film. The cast are wooden sticks on poles, walking around and moving their mouths (and genitals) up and down. It's embarrassing, not only for their careers, but for humanity.
It probably doesn't help when you don't have any sort of script to go off of, so I suppose I'll give them credit for trying. Seriously though, nothing happens in this movie after the initial set up. She looses her virginity. Cool. They discuss contracts. Cool. They complain. Cool. They put off having sex for a while longer. Cool. They go to have sex, but don't. Cool. They finally break the rules and have sex. Cool. They complain about said sex. Cool. They have some more sex to see if their complaints are justified. Cool. The movie ends. Cool?
It's not even as though it has a decent ending, either. Fifty Shades of Grey is a two hour long first act of a movie that goes nowhere and ends nowhere. I'm convinced that the writers had a page limit when writing this script and when the limit was reached they just had to end it there, no matter how far through the story they'd gotten. The Lord of the Rings and other films like that work as a trilogy because of the massive story they're trying to tell. Fifty Shades of Grey has no story it's telling and therefore shouldn't be a trilogy. It shouldn't even be one movie. Why does this even exist?
I'll tell you why it exists. Horny, depressed, single mums. As I'm sure we're well aware of by now, Fifty Shades of Grey started out as Twilight fan fiction that was written on a blackberry phone. It was a hit (because why not?) and so the names of the characters were changed and it became its own thing. Somebody actually wrote this, edited this, published this, bought the rights to this, adapted this, filmed this, edited this, approved this and released this. For fuck's sake! No. Please... no. No more. I'm so very done.
What I find so strange about this review is that I've hardly touched on the sex scenes, so let's change that. The sex scenes in Fifty Shades of Grey are un-erotic, dull, drably, lacking nudity and not at all what the book was trying to do. The books are erotic novels. I've never read them, but please take notice of the fact that I just said erotic. EROTIC! The film adaptation is tame, slow and more about preparing for sex than it is about sex. Director Sam Taylor-Johnson has said that she tried to make each sex scene have its own rhythm and I'm fine with that. It didn't work, but she tried, and that's more than anyone else involved with this movie did, except maybe Dakota Johnson, but even she's not that amazing.
I was seriously tempted to put the honest trailer for this movie down at the bottom of this review. I won't, but I should. It perfectly sums up just how terrible this film truly is. I didn't expect this to be a masterpiece, but I didn't expect it to be this bad. I compliment it for being unpredictable, but that's merely because there's nothing to predict. I could complement the cinematography, but it's not really too spectacular. It's just better than everything else in the film. Please don't watch this movie. I know I'm too late, but if you haven't already and you were planning on it, even if it's just to see what all the fuss is about, please don't. I'm begging you. Do the safe thing. Protect yourself. Weren't we all told to use protection?
To sum up, if you've ever heard of Fifty Shades of Grey (and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say we all have?) then you're probably already aware of just how terrible it truly is. So here, have my review, laugh a little and then burn this film to the ground.
0 1/2 Stars