When I sat down to watch this movie, I honestly thought it was that new Transporter film. I knew it was called Hitman: Agent 47, but whenever I went to think about it, all I could see was Transporter. I don't know why. As the ads continues to roll, and I continued to chug down popcorn I so wasn't hungry for, my mind was set and ready to go. I wasn't excited, but I was ready. Then, not long before the film actually started, they played the trailer for The Transporter: Refuelled. You must imagine my confusion as I started to watch a trailer for what I, at first, believed was the movie I was about to witness.
Hitman: Agent 47 is based on the popular video game revolving around the titular character, Agent 47 (Rupert Friend). He's a genetically engineered assassin who always follows through with his contracts, no matter what methods he must use to complete this. The creation of agents has been shut down for quite some time now, but a group known as the Syndicate (a popular villain organisation name this year) is attempting to start it back up, only they need the help of an off the charts woman named Katia (Hannah Ware). Not wanting the program to reboot, Agent 47 hunts down Katia in the hopes that he can get to her first. The problem that stands in his way is John Smith (Zachary Quinto), a man equipped with skill.... and genetically modified skin. So yeah, he's a bit of a nuisance, isn't he?
There are some films I see that just make me furious. They're so painfully bad that I just want to scream at the top of my lungs when the film comes to a close. There's been plenty already this year, the most recent example would be the new Fantastic Four movie. I pretty much did scream when it was over, but I managed to somehow vocalise my screams into a semi-coherent sentence. Hitman: Agent 47 is on the same level as these films. What differentiates them, however, is that when this film came to a close, I had absolutely no desire to scream or curse or yell anything. I merely rolled my eyes and left the cinema. It's a film not worthy of anyone's time or oxygen. I honestly wasn't bothered with it.
But since I am so dedicated to all you loyal readers, I'm still here to provide you with my thoughts on this mess of the movie. This film completely drained the life out of me. If you've ever been under surgery, they either put you to sleep with a needle or gas. I'm not sure what happened during this movie, but just looking at it gave me the same feeling as being gassed before surgery. I constantly felt as if I'd blacked out during the previous scene, missing a key piece of the story, but alas, I hadn't. The film was merely messy enough to make me think that way.
The film is fast in pace and finishes before you know it, but it's still a struggle to get through. It's uneventful and feels like an hour and a half long third act of another movie. Literally every scene in this film is treated like one final twist in a romantic drama, or a final boss battle in a video game. Maybe that's why the film felt like it was going so fast, because I always thought it was about to finish. I checked my watch thirty minutes in, thinking that things were wrapping up, despite being fully aware of the fact that it had only just begun.
Despite not going for the shaky cam style of filming action sequences, director Aleksander Bach still manages to find other ways of harassing his audience's eyeballs. Whether it's strobe lighting or Taken 3 levels of editing, the action may look smooth, but it's bound to cause a seizure or two. When he does manage to hold the shot for more than an eighth of a second, the shot is always chocker block with CGI, taking you out of the moment yet again. If you were ever in the moment, that is.
There's so many things wrong with this movie, yet for some reason I really don't feel fussed enough to talk about them. This is one of those movies you'll mindlessly come across on television late one night, watch ten minutes and then fall asleep. From its poor acting to the cringe worthy screenplay to its many, many clichés, nothing about this movie will really convince you to stay up until 1am watching it. When the day comes that you see this starting at 11:30 at night, turn it right off.
To sum up, Hitman: Agent 47 is a clichéd, poorly handled action film that's nauseating to watch and makes very little sense. Don't be surprised if you see this floating around your television late on a Monday night. Don't feel like you have to watch it, either.
1 1/2 Stars