I’m genuinely embarrassed for everybody involved in whatever the fuck I volunteered to watch last night, yet I don’t blame them for signing on. On paper, this film sounds incredible. It could’ve been the next Gone Girl or Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (maybe they should’ve gone with The Snowgirl as the title instead). It’s the director of Tinker Tailer Soldier Spy adapting a bestselling, well-received crime thriller from the screenwriters behind Frank and Drive. There’s no way this could’ve been bad. This should’ve been one of the best films of the year. Yet for some reason, it’s worse than The Emoji Movie, and that’s a very, very, incredibly low bar to overcome.
Then, more importantly, Detective Harry Hole isn’t the one investigating this case. It’s Rebecca Ferguson’s Katrine Bratt who takes on the job. Harry Hole is an unlikeable, poorly named, alcoholic, cigarette addict who takes weeks off of work without a formal notice. You don’t care for him or his troubles in life, and Michael Fassbender sleepwalks through every scene he’s in. He clearly didn’t give a shit about this movie. His performance makes that very evident. The only reason he gets tied up in this case is because he gets a lift home with Katrine from work (at 10am in the morning??), but ends up waiting in her car while she works on the case (??). Cut to the next scene and suddenly he’s working side by side with her.
One scene of his in particular brought with it plenty of laughs for the audience. J.K. Simmons engages in a conversation with Rebecca Ferguson’s character, only to cut it short, pull his phone out and snap a picture of her face with the flash on. He then awkward hovers behind a cupboard while his assistant comes up to her and informs her that J.K. had a wonderful time talking to her. Words cannot do it justice. Words cannot do any of this film’s humour justice. None of it is intentional, every scene takes itself way too seriously, but I haven’t laughed this hard in a very long time. I struggled to keep it together throughout all of the runtime, and I’m genuinely surprised no staff member kicked me out for disrupting the cinema’s tranquility.
I really didn’t expect to be hammering this movie as much as I am, but it deserves it. Everything from the script to the acting to the directing to the painfully ugly design just failed to work. I didn’t like a single thing in this movie. Fucking Val Kilmer even shows up for 3 scenes and I have no clue as to why. Little did I think that a Michael Fassbender-led crime thriller would be one of the worst films of the year, but here we are. Films shouldn’t have to be this bad. There’s still good left in the world. I’m just loosing a lot of hope.
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