By Jack Dignan
For every Phantom Thread that’s released each year, there’s also a Baywatch. 2017 had a lot of Baywatch’s. In fact, the rating I gave out the most in 2017 was 2 ½ stars, which makes that the second year in a row (maybe those internet theories about me hating movies is true). Now, on the cusp of February, I take a look back at the trauma I’ve experienced this past year, bringing all those hours of pain and misery back into a list that celebrates the incompetence of these ten movies that hurt me the most. Film criticism can be a tough job sometimes, and even then, there’s plenty of crap I just choose not to see.
Now, with all that said and done, let’s get this list out of the way…
DISHONOURABLE MENTIONS: Wonder Wheel, Fist Fight, A Dog’s Purpose, Geostorm and… yep, Baywatch.
Flatliners… ouch. I wasn’t expecting to like this film, the trailers barely doing the film justice, but at least they made it look as though this film had the slightest potential to work. And yeah, it’s not as bad it looks. It’s worse. From choppy editing to an idiotic plot to lifeless scares, there are very few redeeming qualities about this absolute cluster-fuck of a horror movie. The only element that successfully gave me nightmares was the screenplay’s incompetence. MY REVIEW.
I’ll admit, I’ve fallen behind on Australian cinema as of late. It’s a sad statement I wish to redeem myself from, hopefully I can check out Sweet Country some time soon, but one of the few Aussie flicks I did manage to check out this year was A Few Less Men, the sequel nobody asked for to a movie nobody really remembers. Australians have a weird sense of humour, there’s no denying that, but was it always so… how do I put this... fucking terrible? MY REVIEW.
The lead actor in this Tupac biopic, Demetrius Shipp Jr., is getting credit for looking exactly like a young Tupac, to the point where it’s almost uncanny. And yeah, sure, whatever, I guess he does, but that’s about all the positive elements this film has to offer. All Eyez On Me is bad. And not only is it bad, it’s an inconsequential, poorly stringed series of unrelated sequences that should barely be considered an actual movie. I’m still not convinced I actually sat through 139 minutes of this piece of shit. MY REVIEW.
These movies have never been good. Nine year old me may have thought so, back when he first saw the original trilogy, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter ends the franchise with a bang. And, obviously, by bang I mean total disaster. It’s both the final chapter and the worst one, edited so quickly and so choppy that it’s enough to make your eyes bleed. Best of all? A planned reboot is set to be released in a few years time. Surprise! MY REVIEW.
We’re just one week away from the release of the final installment in the Fifty Shades trilogy, and I honestly never thought that we’d ever get here. Whether or not you prefer the first Fifty Shades movie or the second doesn’t matter. They’re both just as bad as each other. For me personally, I look at the first film with stronger distain and anger because that’s a film that actually tried, making its failure all the more frustrating. Fifty Shades Darker doesn’t give a single fuck. It knows you’re going to hate it and it totally goes along with it. Still, it’s such a shame we never got a moment nearly as memorable as that iconic toast scene. MY REVIEW.
I just… I can’t… I don’t want to… I don’t even need to explain myself here. You know it’s bad. I know it’s bad. Let’s just move on with our lives. MY REVIEW.
Ah, yes. Rings. The long delayed horror sequel to a film I actually really enjoy finally got released at the start of this year and wow… it needs to be seen to be believed. How the filmmakers managed to take a concept so original, frightening and genius in execution and make a sequel so fucking terrible is beyond me. They make the rules up as they go along, completely forgetting whatever was said in the previous scene, all before Vincent D’Onofrio shows up for some reason, and you’ll be shocked to hear that this isn’t even the worst film he starred in this year. MY REVIEW.
CHiPS is a disgrace to all that is good in the world. While I initially gave it one star, that, in retrospect, feels way too generous. The screenplay is trash. The performances are trash. The humour is trash. As an adaptation of a somewhat beloved TV show, it fails miserably, but even as a film standing in its own right, it fails even worse. These are all talented actors. They’ve proven themselves in other films. But when put together in CHiPS… I don’t even know what happened. MY REVIEW.
A little part of me may have died while watching each of the previous films on this list, but a lot of me died when having to sit through whatever the hell Transformers 5 was. Jesus Christ, these films are still going. You’d think after making billions upon billions of dollars at the global box office they’d start getting good, but, sadly for us, they’re doing quite the opposite. It’s as if Satan conjured this movie in hell and sent it to our world as punishment for all our sins. MY REVIEW.
Back in January last year, never would I have guessed that a Michael Fassbender-led crime thriller from the director of Tinker Tailor Solider Spy would end up as my worst film of the year, but here we are. Holy crap, this movie. I don’t even know where to begin. It’s the film that sparked a thousand memes, and that’s perhaps the only good thing about it. Not only were they forced to cut an hour off of the runtime (a massive relief from the perspective of the audience), but they only had the time and budget to film about 70% of the script, and it shows. The Snowman is an abomination of a movie. Michael Fassbender has had a run of lackluster movies as of late, but this… wow. This is by far the worst thing he’s ever been involved with. MY REVIEW.
Chris Campo's 10 Worst Films of 2017
1. The Book of Henry
2. Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
3. 47 Meters Down
5. The Space Between Us
6. The Snowman
7. Justice League
8. The Babysitter
9. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
10. Kingsman: The Golden Circle
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